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<title>How to summon Colonel Sanders by Hitlertheduck</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28384884">How to summon Colonel Sanders</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck'>Hitlertheduck</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>KFC "Colonel Sanders" Commercials</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 01:21:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>787</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28384884</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitlertheduck/pseuds/Hitlertheduck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I am here to teach you how to summon the god of fried chicken himself and also Dr. Seuss gets married to Mr. Clean somewhere in there I guess.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How to summon Colonel Sanders</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If you want to summon the god of fried chicken, then you will need several different objects<br/>1.	A bar of scented soap<br/>2.	A bottle of shampoo<br/>3.	A haunted cartridge of a retro NES video game (preferably sold to you by a creepy old fart)<br/>4.	An NES game console (preferably haunted)<br/>5.	A bucket of KFC fried chicken<br/>6.	A copy of the Communist Manifesto<br/>7.	A small child named Timothy Connors<br/>8.	An n word pass</p><p>The first step to doing this ritual is that you must go into a random ass forest in the middle of nowhere. It does not matter which forest, as long as it’s in the middle of nowhere, away from civilization. </p><p>The second step is important. You must take out your bottle of shampoo and your bar of scented soap. You must now clean yourself due to the fact that you smell like a pubic hair’s pubic hair. If you go to the Colonel as you are now, then he will mistake you for a sheet of toilet paper and wipe his ass using your body which if I’m gonna be honest, I’m kind of jealous of. So clean yourself thoroughly.</p><p>Now for the third step in this process, you must draw a picture of a fried chicken leg in the dirt in order to perform the ritual. If you draw literally anything else then your whole family will be disappointed in you and they will all hang themselves in shame.</p><p>For the fourth step, you must now put the bucket of KFC fried chicken in the center of the fried chicken circle that you’ve drawn. This is so that Colonel Sanders knows where your allegiances lie and does not mistake you for the enemy.</p><p>The fifth step is pretty simple. You must now take out the child named Timothy Connors. You must now kill him and eat him. The reason for this is that you were a complete fucktard and forgot to bring any food with you besides the fried chicken offering so you now have to resort to cannibalism like a complete mongoloid, you bad bad boy. </p><p>In the sixth step, you must now turn on the NES and plug the haunted cartridge in. You must now play for at least 7 minutes until the evil spirit that infests the game makes itself known to you and does whatever the Hell it is that spirits in haunted video games do these days.</p><p>On the seventh step you must now pause the game and incite the following chant towards your drawn fried chicken symbol in the dirt. “In brightest day, in niggest night, no chicken shall escape my sight, let those who worship vegan’s might, beware my power, Colonel Sander’s light!” You must then follow this up by doing the funky chicken for seven hours.</p><p>If you’ve been doing this right, then Colonel Sanders will appear before you and this is when you begin step eight. You must pull out your copy of the communist manifesto and hand it over to him as a show of gratitude as Colonel Sanders has regular makeout sessions with Karl Marx at least once a week, so this will show the Colonel that you truly are a devoted follower of his.</p><p>Now for the ninth step. You must now invite the Colonel to sit down with you and play the haunted game on the NES while he eats the fried chicken you left for him. DO NOT, forget the chicken under any circumstance or George W. Bush will fall from the sky and pile drive you into the ground while the crowd goes wild.</p><p>The tenth step begins now, and Colonel Sanders is playing your video game. If you’ve been doing everything right, then the spooky wooky ghost will come out of the TV and try to suck out your soul or some shit like that. You must give Colonel Sanders the n word pass in your possession and Colonel Sanders will utter the timeless phrase “NIGGA!” This will warp the fabric of reality and cause the ghost to become a new dipping sauce for the Colonel to use at his restaurant chain.</p><p>For the final step, Colonel Sanders will then stop playing your game, get up, and go back to the fried chicken dimension, taking the Communist Manifesto with him. </p><p>You will then wake up in your bed, the whole experience feeling like a dream until you look in the mirror. You now have the Colonel’s iconic mustache on your lips and with it, all of his powers. You are now free to use this godly facial hair to bend reality using the power of fried chicken. Use it well.</p>
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